Le drama avec le trauma! Mai oui!

Honestly, I don't know where to begin. As my eyes survey my buddha-like porcinosity, I quiver at the sight of all the scratches and bites and other sundry injuries sustained last Thursday. It was one of "those days", as you will understand as you read on.

Mommy was out all day; since she isn't working at the moment, this allows plenty of time to take classes, drink lattes and be a lady of leisure. She does this quite well, I might add. On her way home last Thursday, she saw Magnolia (Maggie, my canine sister) playing in a yard where we don't dare tread. Finding this scenario a bit odd, Mommy got out of her car, and began coaxing Maggie to the car. Fat chance! If Maggie is out and about without a tether, good luck getting her to return to headquarters. If Daddy and his sheep whistle aren't around, she'd wander around all day long.

However, her freedom was not legal as she and I had broken out of our pen. It was incredibly difficult to accomplish by one little pig (me) yet with my cunningly good ideas and freakishly strong body, I managed quite well. We were free within a few minutes. We took off through Bryce and Laurie's backyard and over to the house where Barkley and Hershey reside. Neither of whom remain on our friend list, I might add.

Once the neighbor spotted Mommy trying to coax Maggie along, she asked "is this your pig?" What a commoner! Of COURSE I belong to Mommy and Daddy. I wanted to hoof her and ask her what other porcine divas might reside in the neighborhood. Mommy blanched with fear when she saw me. Apparently, I had gotten a tad grotty (I was covered in dirt and mud; not a good look for me) during the "jailbreak". With Maggie in tow, she asked the neighbor to keep and eye on me whilst Mommy secured Maggie back in the pen.

The next thing I knew, Barkley and Hershey were circling round and round, faster and faster while scratching and tearing upon my fragile and tender porcineness. I didn't know what to do! Mommy was at her wit's end -- she was begging the neighbor to call off her dogs. She was clearly in a state because 1) she was frustrated with the neighbor whose dogs frequently roam the neighborhood untethered and 2) the woman could not control same dogs, both of whom were becoming vicious and violent. Mommy began to cry uncontrollably and was in quite a state. FINALLY, the woman managed to retrieve her malcreants and return to her home. Good riddance, I say!

After the main trauma, I felt no other option but to stay quite close to the house and Mommy soothed me by hugging me right round my buddha belly. The hug was welcome and calming. I simply could not move; obviously in shock from this vile and pernicious behavior. After a long interval, Mommy was able to move me from the safety of the house perimeter to the indoor pen which is rightfully my space and quite safe from the neighborhood hooligans. Documentation (in the form of digital photographs) began immediately. Mommy wanted to insure she had proof of this outrageous attack just in case she might need the evidence later.

Once the documentation was complete, Daddy arrived home. Mommy and Daddy muscled me into the shower and commenced cleaning activities. This was yet another trauma to add to my day, as you all know I would much prefer to eat than to be showered. Nonetheless, I was fresh as a daisy as I emerged from the stall and was quickly covered with wound salve procured by Daddy on his way home from work. Sometimes it stung, but on most of my wounds it was soothing.

After all this excitement, I ate (naturally) and pulled the Mommy and Daddy heartstrings to obtain carrot after carrot. So, the lesson is: some good things come from bad. Having said that, I don't EVER want to go through that drama again just to get more carrots. I can just do my "good girl" sit and flash my extraordinarily long and curled eyelashes. It works every time!

So, while I am feeling safer now, I remain in the pigloo for emergency security reasons. This does not preclude my daily routine of checking for food every couple of hours. One never knows when comestibles may appear, and this porcine is always ready!

Oh, the blog entries I've wanted to write!

I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for being absent for such a long time. Truly, I've been meaning to update all on the goings-on, yet it's been quite difficult to hoof on over to the computer. So many things have changed!

First and foremost, my sister, Magnolia Mae [Maggie], has grown to a height and length much like my own. I am, of course, far more shapely. I cannot escape my magnificent porcine beauty...I was born with it!

And perhaps as important, my living quarters have been expanded exponentially. I now have access to the out of doors and can go through a marvelous swinging door as I please. Typically, I like to frequent both the in and out of doors so the entry/exit has been a good investment for my parents.

In my outside space, Daddy constructed a very flash wooden double level deck on which both myself and Maggie can enjoy the sunshine in reclined comfort. Maggie usually sports the top level and I stay closer to the ground as I cannot be bothered navigating stairs with these hooves. I prefer to be safe than sorry!

The family has also begun a new treat activity in which I jump to the top edge of the pen inside and am rewarded with any number of carrots. Mommy and Daddy even purchased a wee refrigerator, solely for the freshness and crunchy goodness of my carrot habit. I must say this has been a most welcome development.

And I must tell you about my coat of hair. I've actually shed most of it and grown smaller hairs in its place. It's far more appropriate for the humid and oppressive heat of the south, not to mention it highlights my shaply porcine curves, which I must repeat, are not my fault. It's genetics, darling...my hole body hangs from my fabulous high cheekbones.

My day to day activities are much the same, as I do enjoy stability. The telly channel has now been moved up a notch and I am now watching proper, current cartoons on Cartoon Network. My favourite at the moment is a small ditty by a genius named Craig McCracken. It's called "Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends". While I enjoy the entire program, Craig has recently introduced a new character named "Cheese". I'm afraid the character isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but he's more than amusing and I admit to stopping right on my hooves when he's onscreen. His silly antics keep me in stitches! I do wish Craig would give Cheese his own show, however his interaction with the rest of the Foster's gang is hilarious too. I'm so pleased Mommy and Daddy have deemed me old enough to graduate from Boomerang to Cartoon Network. I feel more sophisticated and grown up already!

That's all for now. I'm getting a bit tired from trying to aim my hooves to make proper keyboard strokes (I have to hunt and peck as my hoofs are rather large and pointy). Not to mention good cartoons are about to hit the screen. Also, the weather has cooled a great deal, so I believe some outdoor time is in order as well. Later in the day, I'm going to request a "grazing" outing so I can savour some of the overgrown greenery which is in dire need of eating.

I do hope to get back to the keyboard more often. Kisses and hogs, my loves!