So busy I've barely had time to lounge around, let alone post to the blog!!

Well, the holidays are upon us (whatever holidays might be), and even though I am still hearing incredibly rude comments about my personage being a food source, I do feel some sort of excitement in the air. Perhaps it's the cooler air or the leaves falling from the trees. These events are both a blessing and a curse - on one hoof, I can see the gorgeous river from my domicile and can inspect at even closer range when tethered outdoors. On the other hoof, the cold is quite uncomfortable and I really do need to wear additional insulation to keep warmish. Of course, this is of great delight to Mommy...she has gone absolutely bonkers shopping for outdoor drag to wear on my nature jaunts. The sweaters are by far the most efficient, but my full cooperation is required to allow my front legs entry through the leg/hoof openings. This is not an activity I enjoy in any way shape or form. It's disruptive, unpleasant and I am not silent at all with regard to my displeasure. However, since Mommy is doing her best to make me into a clothes horse, there are other options. She purchased a very smart trench coat, a corduroy barn jacket and wintery fleece coat, all of which are worn with a minimum effort on my part. They merely fasten with velcro (no porcine acrobatics needed). They are not nearly as warm...but I dare not share this confidential information with Mommy and Daddy. I would rather freeze than have to put my legs and hooves through those tiny openings in the sweaters. (I realize I may have to relent as the air may get even colder in future. We'll cross that bridge when we get there.)

I am now the proud recipient of a PIGLOO!!! My parents bought this wee house for my hiding and sleeping purposes. I wonder if they know it also keeps cold drafts and chilly floors at bay? It's doubtful they would have considered these features, as they think my daily activities consist only of playing and eating full stop. They have no idea that I am a silent philosopher, plot new strategies for obtaining more comestibles and am frequently testing out new sounds to add to my vocal repetoire. Let's just say that my vocabulary speaks of my higher intelligence. I don't mind telling you that I am one smart porcine. (I feel my buddha belly swelling with pride.)

I'm reticent to share the following (and potentially troubling) news, yet I must. Last weekend, Mommy and Daddy supposedly went to the pet shop to purchase my pigloo and only my pigloo. (They promised to use the ninja shopping method, perfected by many men of the human species.) Upon their return, they indeed had the pigloo. It came with a comfy cushion inside (which I later shredded to bits for reasons that will be revealed in the next sentence.) They abandoned the ninja shopping method because they also brought a small canine along with all of its flotsam and jetsam. It whinges and barks and diverts attention that should be mine to enjoy. Okay, I will admit the dog is incredibly cute but let's just say I could take her out with one whisk of these powerful jaws and sharp incisors. Everyone should tread lightly...especially the dang dog. Fear not, I will not exercise my formidable superiority unless it should become an absolute necessity. So far the dog has shown only pleasantries toward me so I shall give her the benefit of the doubt. I still have my eye on her...

I must close now as noontime approaches. I see many vegetables in my near future. Hopefully the mix will contain watermelon rind, cucumbers, carrots and tomatoes. My mouth is now watering and my right hoof tapping impatiently for Mommy to arrive. Hopefully I will talk to you soon, but I cannot promise for reasons mentioned above. Should my busy schedule allow, I will gladly share bits and pieces of my exciting life with you. Toodle pip for now!

Pigs actually *do* look better with their noses up in the air (or so I've decided)

When I caught a reflection of my buddhabelly and its connecting head (nose straight to the sky), I thought, "what a charming and lovely sight". You see, I was ignoring Mommy (in porcine lingo that means "talk to the hoof"). She deserved this long and steely silence because she gave me a bath two days ago, had the nerve to sit in my pen last nite and TODAY she wanted me to go on a walk before 11 am. I don't mind walks, you see...but she is the one who made up the 11 am rule -- no phone calls, no food, no nuttin' until the clock strikes 11 am. So why was she up so early raring to go? Who knows? So we start walking, and walking...and she kept shaking my treat container but never relinquished any of the tasty morsels. How rude! But since I am an adventurous young Mathilda I resigned myself to the walk. I did try to make it as difficult as porcinely possible by using my favourite yoga pose (downward pig) as much as I could. (Downward pig is an especially useful pose when one is trying to drag me somewhere where there is no food or I am simply not interested. It is similar to humans' downward dog, but in this case, the porcine gets as much weight as possible close to the ground to make movement nearly impossible.) I must admit, Mommy was as patient as I've seen her in weeks...she didn't get irritated when I chomped on almost every single weed from the front door of Whanau Marae to the end of the block. I'll have to remember that next time I'm ignoring her. She actually might have my best interest in mind. She still hasn't connected the dots in her head though...my best interest = food.

Later in the day, Mommy took me out for what appeared to be another walk but was instead a dip in my pool. Naturally, I was skittish at first (as this was the site of the bath two days gone) but then I realized she actually wanted me to recreate. I kept "ahem-ing" for some treats (natch) but they were not forthcoming. Mommy was relaxing in the hammock whilst the pool filled up with cool water. After reclining for what seemed an eternity (Mommy says it was 30 seconds or so), she finally doled out some food. She held it on the bottom of the pool so I'd have to blow bubbles out my snout (hey, that rhymes!) and dip my entire head in to retrieve the comestible. I kept doing so, and she kept doling out the treats...adding more and more. Then, I felt a brush go past my eyes. AH-HA! (She always has an alternate motive.) She said she was only cleaning my eyes, true enough. It wasn't bad at all but I pretended it was really bad so I could get more treats. She had three different kinds, all tasty. What was I supposed to do? Just let them sit there uneaten??? Oh puh-leeeeeeeeeease. I am an intelligent porcine and know how to get food, even when it's not time to have food. It's my job.

Other news: we recently went to a "block party" down the road at the other end of the cul-de-sac. It was evening time and Mommy and Daddy and I walked down to the party together as a family. There were so many people there! Everyone wanted to see me and I could hear everyone talking about me...most memorable words were: "cute", "adorable", "how old is she?", "will she bite?", "she does tricks?", "I've heard pigs are as intelligent as a 3 - 5 year old child" and others. Needless to say, I was *the* hit of the party. I got more attention than anyone and there was food all over the place! Mercifully, much of it had fallen to ground level, completely accessible to me. I definitely took advantage of this opportunity but I have to say the next day I didn't feel too good. There were things on the ground that were so delicious, though! Mommy says I should never eat sugar or salt. I bet that's what they were. Sugar and salt! I can't wait for the next block party. I really enjoy the socializing but trust me, it was all about the food. I was in pig heaven.

I love meeting my family!

The past few days have been terrific. I've been getting far more food than usual as my cousins (male non-porcines named Neal and Lane) have been giving me additional treats while helping Daddy with my training. I can now *sit*, *stay*, *pirouette*, *figure eight* and am now learning how to *curtsey*. The *curtsey* trick is by far the most difficult to date and they are going to have to dole out far more treats if they want me to kneel down on my front legs! To be honest with you, it's not the most comfortable position and I'm not too keen on it at all. But I may change my mind if the menu is expanded to my liking.

My cousins have been hanging out with me a lot. My auntie (female non-porcine named Annie, who is apparently the sister of Mommy) hasn't been down to my residence as much but when she has visited, she's stayed a while and I liked it. I've really enjoyed having others here -- while I love my Mommy and Daddy, it's still nice to have a variety of non-porcines to play with. Plus, I tend to get more food as the population of the house increases.

One thing though...while I have really enjoyed this visiting stuff, I have to tell you all that I am a tad confused. Neal looks exactly like Lane and Lane looks exactly like Neal. It's like when I see that pig in the shiny glass that looks exactly like me. (I can never catch the pig in the shiny glass, btw...) I just don't understand! My Mommy said something about twins, identical, cousins...etc. All I know is that I can't tell one from the other even when they visit me at the same time. So confusing!

In my confused and plum-tuckered out state, I will have to bid you all adieu for the evening. I've been playing soccer with Mommy, Lane and Neal and I am so tired I may sleep through the entire night. Ha ha...as IF! You KNOW I have to get up periodically and check the food area...! I'll check in with you all again soon.

Home grown veges!!!

Gosh, I feel really bad about this -- I failed to mention anything about edibles in my last post so I'll say this real quick.

Lately, I have been noticing a vast improvement in the quality of my cucumbers. (They are my favourite non-chow item followed very closely by watermelon rinds). I don't know what gives with the tender, tasty cucumber morsels, but Mommy keeps mumbling about "grown just for Mathilda", "garden", "insects, snakes, scorpions", "planted just for Mathilda", yadda yadda. All I know is that I want them to keep arriving at their expected time around the noon hour. (I do hope Mommy is reading this).

Back to Foghorn/Leghorn!

Sorry about the wait...

I can't believe it's been over a month since I communicated. Much has happened since I last spoke with all of you. First and foremost, I have been relocated to the bottom floor of the domicile. It's quite a distance from the dining room (my previous location) but mercifully, I didn't have to lift a hoof to move. I guess you could say I had an executive relocation as the non-porcines moved everything I needed down to my new "pen". My relocation seems to have its ups and downs. I do like having more space and the view is awesome. Even though my telly is tuned to Cartoon Network, this porcine does not live by cartoons alone. I feel somewhat isolated down here although I know the non-porcines make every effort to come and visit. Now that I think about it; they visit just as often as when I occupied prime real estate upstairs, but I used to see them as they went up and down the stairs. Now I can hear them, but not see them. So I feel a bit on the alone side.

The non-porcines are now talking about putting a door to the outside which I will be able to use without their assistance and without having this annoying harness around my beautiful round physique. (It gets so snug after a good meal!) There are also discussions about a fence, and other various and sundry devices to allow me even more freedom. I'm liking the ideas. Thank goodness the non-porcines bought me a trench coat to use in inclement weather!

Bad news: last time I was allowed upstairs to the kitchen, (just to socialize mind you, I never eat with the non-porcines as they have a different schedule) I had a small urinary accident. Needless to say, I was escorted with all due haste back to my floor level location. I have to say it was fun while it lasted.

I will try and be more vigilant about my posts in the future. There is just so much going on here, it is quite difficult for a wee porcine to keep up with the pace. Oh, I really must go...the Porky Pig show is on and I just LOVE Foghorn/Leghorn. I say, I say, that boy is about as sharp as the blunt end of nothing!

Freedom!

Thoughts poured through my head all day long about all the yummy food I was going to be served. I wasn't disappointed; not only was my pig-chow as good as ever, I also had some roma tomatoes, cucumbers and lettuce. Mommy cuts all the vege in small bits so I just have to hunt for my favourites and eat those first. Of course I save the lettuce for last. It's not the tastiest comestible in the world but it is certainly crunchy and refreshing.

Today I was let out of my play-yard almost all day! I don't know what gives -- I will have to do some reconnaissance and get back to you. I wish I had been able to go outside more; my freedom was limited to the middle floor of the house most of the time. When I actually did get outside, I made it a point to track down all my favourite rooting spots and revisit them. The other day I thought Mommy was going to have a conniption; all because I was rooting in a particularly good place and I was up to my eyes in dirt. It was heaven in earth. I was so happy about it I actually laid down to roll around a bit...and that is when Mommy yelped. I wonder if my bath the day before had anything to do with her mood? Oh well. Can't please everyone all the time now, can we?

Tonight Mommy rubbed me behind my ear very softly for a long time which put me into a very comfortable sleep. Naturally, I will get up a few times during the night to check my food area (you never know when food might show up!) and then get some more shut-eye.

More on food and freedom in future posts.

I made a poo (and not the scatalogical sort)

Well, the non-porcine named Mommy gave me some broccoli, carrots and cabbage tonight and I took one bite and immediately spit it out. It was inedible! To make my point about the low quality grub, I turned my bowl upside down and spread all the untasty stuff in my play-yard. Mommy watched all of this and I could tell she wasn't pleased.

On the other hand, she has been quite good about brushing me (to keep my scaly skin from itching) and rubbing my buddha belly. I love that...just start rubbing the buddha belly and I cannot even stand up anymore...my legs simply give out.

Hopefully tomorrow the cuisine will have improved. I know I am being a porcine diva but a girl has to have her standards! Apparently mine are quite high as Mommy tells me that the vege she served up was not only high quality, but health food as well. Bah! I just want the stuff to taste good, and to have lots of it, all the time. Is that too much to ask?

Many moons, no blogs...

Good grief! I realize it's been yonks since I've blogged. Sorry to keep those of you interested in my food sources at the edge of your seat.

It's just that I've been so busy with non-food endeavors. Yes, you read me correctly. Non-food endeavors. It surprises even me. But enough about that.

I went to the vet last week, and some non-porcine (referred to himself as Randy the Vet) picked me up, held me upside down (hooves in the air, mind you) and took my stitches out. While this was turbo-traumatic, after all was said and done, I actually felt better. And the best part is, when I'm not eating, I can now get full, luxurious belly rubs doled out by both my non-porcines named Mommy and Daddy.

The Vet office was rather strange though...they weighed me in at 2.5 lbs. Now I know I said earlier that I weighed 5 lbs, which I must admit was an estimation on my part. Now that I know I weigh half that, and am relatively svelte, I feel I can really cut loose on the eating efforts.

And, speaking of eating, my all time favourite subject, my dietary world has enlarged exponentially. When I first arrived at the non-porcine abode, I refused all matter of comestibles not identifiable as pig chow. I will now eat cucumbers, tomatoes, lettuce, carrots, strawberries and melons. I am hoping the non-porcines will give me even more choices in the future, because this keeps me happy and occupied in between my *real* meals.

Weekends? Where's my FOOD???

The male non-porcine (who refers to himself as "daddy") normally feeds me at around 7am daily, at which time I also get a quick walk to the end of the driveway to collect the New York Times for the other non-porcine (female, refers to herself as "mommy").

Well, today, which is apparently Saturday and different to the rest of the days... my food was delayed by 3 hours!!! Daddy was having a lie-in while Mommy was pushing him out of bed to carry on with his morning duties. These duties include, most importantly, my morning nosh. Daddy did make up for his tardiness by giving me three spearmint treats in a large round pool (that's what the non-porcines called it; I have no idea what a pool is) filled with colourful balls the size of my head. I rooted for what seemed hours (the non-porcines claim the search took mere seconds) to find that food. It did taste delish. Glad I took the time and effort to have a look in all those colourful balls.

Later in the morning, Mommy stuck some red substance under my mouth and said "try these strawberries! They taste yummy!" Well, I had a quick sniff and I wasn't going to have any of that. Bring on the regular chow, I say!

Carpenter Bees

It seems my non-porcines have a problem with carpenter bees. For those that don't know what these are, they are slightly larger than bumble bees and mostly black. They bore holes in wood and nest inside the bored timber. The holes are about the diameter of a finger and can do considerable damage to the wood.

There are nests both on my front porch and lower back deck. Considering the non-porcines keep dragging me outside when I'd rather be eating, and these things are big and buzzy, I think they need to get rid of them to make things safer for me.

Blogging ... what's that?

And more to the point; where's my food? I'm afraid that food is still my preoccupation. I do need to give myself a break on that point, however. I'm only seven weeks old and genetically predisposed to being a pig ..... because that what I am!

I'm an innocent wee piglet named (without my consent) Matilda. I've heard that I'll get to be around 50 pounds when I'm full grown, but at my current 5 pound mass I feel like I am duty bound to eat at least my body weight each day.

But enough about me. I need an avenue to talk about topics of great weight (I'm obsessed) and importance to a domestic pig and by extension to the non-porcine population at large. I have inherited two non-porcines who seem to delight in taking me for walks, showing me television (riddled with commercials), and finding other ways to delay my next meal. They even like to place food inside these infuriating plastic bottles. What they don't seem to realise is that there are many holes in the bottle - and all I have to do is push the damn thing around my enclosure to get the food out. Matilda 1 - Non-Porcine 0.